Stop & Shop Paranoia

Stop & Shop Paranoia September 2006

Stop & Shop
Saturday afternoon in Madison
This is the place to be
Isles packed
with carts running the maze
from produce to frozen foods
I’m going through the motions
Some days I’m into the shopping –
the art of finding the deal,
discovering that
the 5 oz.bag of frozen corn
for $2.99
is still a better deal
than the “special”
two boxes of 2.5 oz. Frozen corn
for $4.
But today I’m distracted
as I push my hand
into my pocket
and feel the glass pipe
which reeks of hashish
that I put in there earlier.
For the record,
I don’t smike dope
I haven’t in many
many
many
years.
BUT
While clearing junk
out of our son’s
basement room –
which he hasn’t used in five years-
I came across the pipe
which was stashed in the back
of a closet
tucked
with its unmistakable sweet smell
amongst some old-smelling
folded blankets
on a closet shelf
I slipped the pipe
in my pocket
so his mother or sister
wouldn’t see
and I almost forgot about it
until I got to Stop & Shop.
Now
I had to get rid of it
I worried
that all of a sudden
somehow
it would fall from my pocket.
Or someone
A suburban soccer mom
With a nose like a police dog
Would walk over
as I checked out boxes of noodles
and say,
“Do you smell that?
Something around here reeks like dope!”
But I was interrupted
from my paranoid daydream
“Hello coach Jones,”
said a young, sing-song voice.
“Oh, hello. How are you?”
I asked.
This is all I needed, I thought
to get busted
with a residue-filled hash pipe
in front of a member
of the girl’s soccer team I coach
“What’s that?” my son Jack asked
as he patted down my pockets.
My heart sank
and I jumped back
a foot… or two
“Dad, relax,
I’m just looking for some spare cash.”
Relax!
of course!
Jack pats me down all the time
Relax!
Just looking for some cash.
But when I put my hands in
my pocket
to see if I had a few bucks
my fingers ran across the pipe –
Again
There was sweat on my forehead
even though Stop & Shop
was its usual over-air-conditioned.
I started towards the door
I darted down the cookie
and junk food isle
Maneuvering around oncoming carts
like I’m in a human game of Froggers.
I never slowed down
(which I briefly thought
would be my defense if I got caught –
“Look-
do you think I could
make it down the
cookie and junk food isle
if I smoked this shit?”)
Once outside
I saw a trash can
about 15 yards away –
Right near the bottler return door.
I looked around
- probably suspiciously –
as I walked over
and without slowing my pace
I grabbed the pipe
pulled it from my pocket
and dropped it into the trashcan.
I looked around
one more time
To make sure no one was watching.
I wiped the sweat from my forehead
and eyebrows
and rushed back…
away from the evidence
and into the grocery store.