Mothers Day, Mapquest & My Mother-in-Law

Middletown Ave. in New Haven to Warren Rd. in Warren, CT, via Mapquest & My Mother-in-Law.

May 2006

Mother’s Day
A morning drive
New Haven to Warren Ct
Where the trees join together
In protective numbers
But allow for the winding roads
To travel throughout
The mighty trees
For miles on end it seems
Protecting the land from the developers bulldozer

One hour and 28 minutes
According to my Mapquest search
The directions are on the dashboard
And my wife Kelly
And two of our children
Sit in the back seat
But in the passenger seat
Questioning every turn I make
Is my mother-in-law

Step 1 –
Start out going on Middletown Ave, CT-17, & merge on I-91 North towards Hartford
15.8 miles

My mother-in-law starts:
Barbara and Harry still have that big house
He’s not moving around well at all these days
And the house is getting to be too much for them
I told them they should sell and get something smaller
But they think they need to keep the big house
For when the kids come…

Kelly and I catch a glimpse of each other in the rear view mirror and roll our eyes

Step 2 –

Merge onto I-691 west via Exit 68W toward Meriden/Waterbury
7.7 miles

My mother-in-law is still going,
Barely stopping to take breaths:
Do you remember Mary Lee? I ran into her the other day at Big Y
She had a son with Downe Syndrome also,
But she always struggled with it
Everytime she sees me, she asks,
“How in the world were you able to do it? You are a saint!”

This time when I catch a glimpse of Kelly,
She’s shaking her head.

Step 3 –

Merge onto I-84W via exit 1 on the left towards Danbury
8.7 miles

My mother in law is in full throttle:
I’m going to see my doctor again on Tuesday
I don’t know why, though
He continually misdiagnoses me
I spoke to Carol the other day
Her husband died of colon cancer
I told her, again
She should sue her husband’s doctor
Because I knew he had cancer
Before her doctor even did

At this point, I think Kelly was trying to claw her way
Through the back window to escape

Step 4 –

Merge onto Ct-8 N via Exit 20 towards Torrington
7.7 miles

Of course, it’s my mother-in-law talking:
Ed won’t let Carrie go to Hawaii in July
I told her before she even married him
That this will happen if you marry an Italian man
He’ll give you diamonds
But you’ll stay at home

I’m sure by now the two kids
Were assisting Kelly in trying to claw
An escape route through the back window

Step 5 –

Take Exit 3 towards CT-109 Thomaston CT-254- US 6
9.1 miles

Guess who:
I’m probably going to fire my attorney
He got that guy evicted from the downstairs apartment
But he never got him to pay me anything
For my troubles
I don’t want the money
But it would have taught him a lesson
And remember
This guy was not married
But he had some little slut staying with him most nights

At this point
I wanted to drive off the road
And hit a tree

Step 6 –
Keep right at fork to continue on East St./CT-118
7 miles

Now my mother-in-law was trying to pull Kelly into the conversation:
Kelly, do these roads look familiar?
I don’t know where we are right now, do you?
Kevin always does this, doesn’t he?
I’m sure Kevin took a wrong turn somewhere…

First – we were going in the right direction
Second – I usually never answer anyone who talks about me
Right in front of me
Like I’m not even there
But in this case, I made an exception, and suggested:
I’ll be happy to stop at the next store we come to
You can go in and ask where we are…

For the first time in 48 miles
Kelly smiled
She knew that if her mother got out of the car
I was taking off

Step 7 –

Turn slight right onto Bantam Rd US 202
6.7 miles

yes, Yes, YES! She continued
and all of her ramblings
did little more than revise the history
of her pathetic drunkin life
where, in her feeble, tiny, decaying brain
she was actually someone

This is a woman
Who has taken many shots
At many people
Including suggesting to my wife,
It is unfortunate that you felt you needed to marry down…

And now
Nothing would make me happier
Than the thought
Of dumping her in the sprawling woods

But just to prove
I’m not a cold, heartless bastard
I’d dump her walker along the road with her

And as we approached the last of the ride
Kelly looked exhaughsted
As she struggled not to listen

Step 8 –

Turn right onto Warren Road CT-341
6.7 miles

My mother-in-law concludes
Well, we’re finally here
It’s amazing that we even got here
So, that wasn’t a bad ride, was it?